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Beano Sapiens (TM)
The "Human" Beans

There are two views of the origin of Beano Sapiens. One is a romantic yarn about witches, magic, and a mischievous sense of humor. Read The Legend of Chateau Meddybemps. The other, a mix of ancient and undocumented accounts and modern science, is presented here.

For centuries, tales have been told in many cultures about giant jelly bean-like people. Scientists dismissed these stories as being silly, unfounded myths. The species, Beano Sapiens (human bean) was "simply a joke" tossed around in paleontology labs. These were, remember, the same thick scientific minds who denied the existence of Nessie, the Loch Ness "Monster", until she devoured the Sir Alfred Bottomheavy Expedition in the Spring of '92.

Today those naysayers are modifing their positions. Recent studies revealed that many of the so-called dinosaur eggs lying about in musty museum collections are actually petrified beans, but that's only the beginning.

Even more startling was the discovery of a living human bean, (well, actually, he was recently deceased - having been struck by a tour bus on the M5 motorway north of Bristol, England last April 12th). An autopsy done in the forensic lab at St. Swithin's East End Medical School revealed that the decedent, a Mr. Kurt Beethoven of Number 6 Barley Keep, Slimchance, London, S.W. 4, was not a member of Homo sapiens, (though he might have been Church of England).

Fearful that Mr. Beethoven was a visitor from another planet and someone or "something" might be looking for him, Her Majesty's government immediately set up an incredibly tight security net. Bureaucratic anxieties subsided three days later when Ms. Maude "Kidney Pie" Christie, the hospital dietitian, examined the body and identified its true composition. This "man" was actually a living jelly bean in an exceptionally good disguise!

Scotland Yard then assembled a blue-ribbon panel of prominent genealogists, beanealogists and horticulturists to study Mr. Beethoven's family tree. Their findings have just been released and will no doubt cause all of us to look more closely at our neighbors henceforth as it appears that Beano Sapiens may have been with us for centuries, perhaps even thousands of years. See Beans In History.

Of course the name, "Bean", is an obvious indicator, but many disguised beans or their forebearers either intentionally changed the spelling of their names or simply allowed official misspellings to go uncorrected during emigration. The names on the following fascinating list have been restored to their original spelling.

Mr. Bean
Theatrical character portrayed by Rowan Atkinson (Or is the other way around? Perhaps it's Mr. Bean portraying Mr. Atkinson off camera.)

Beanie Babies
They're everywhere! Now, do you believe?

Bean & Jerry
Ice cream moguls

Bean, Alexander Graham
Inventor of telemarketing, the phone bill and a honey-flavored cracker

Bean, Daniel
Frontiersman, 50's TV personality

Bean, Roy
Judge, known affectionately as the "Law West of the Pecos"

Beandix, William
Actor, played aviator Wiley Post in "The Life of Wiley"

Beanet, Stephen Vincent
Poet

Beanhart, Sarah
Famous actress

Beanishnikov, Mikhail
Incredible dancer

Beanoparte, Napolean
Adventurer
See entry in Bean Spotter's Guide

Beanowulf
Brother of Steppenwulf and slayer of Grendle and the infamous Ma Grendle

Beanstein, Leonard
Composer and part-time conductor for the New York Central Railroad
See entry in Bean Spotter's Guide

Beanstreet, Sidney
Actor (Casablanca, Maltese Falcon)

Beantly, E.C.
Author of Trent's Last Case of Jelly Beans

Beany, Jack
Tightwad comedian from Rochester, NY

Beany, Wallace
Actor famous for roles in "The Kid", "Tugboat Annie", and "Treasure Island"

Beanton, Thomas Hart
Painter of murals

Beanyan, Paul
Mythical giant American pioneer

Cerf, Beanett
Editor, game show host and songwriter (Cerfin' U.S.A., Cerf City, Cerf Girls Are Easy)

Crosbean, Bing
Crooner

Franklin, Beanjamin
Inventor of stove, glass harmonica and electric kite (all true)

DaMille, Cecil Bean
Early Hollywood heavyweight

Goodman, Beanny
Bandleader

Greenbeans, Mr.
Children's television personality
See entry in Bean Spotter's Guide

Harrison, Beanjamin
23rd U.S. President

Hayes, Rutherford Bean
19th U.S. President, uncle of gabby cowboy personality

Hill, Beanny
Late and very silly British comic

Jobean, Antonio Carlos
Bossa Nova musician/composer (The Girl from Impish Beana)

Kanobi, O. Beanwan
Spacey relative of O. Henry Kanobi (May the farce be with you)
See entry in Bean Spotter's Guide

King, Bean E.
Blues singer

Mussolino, Beanito
Infamous dictator

Peters, Beanadette
Sweetheart of an actress

Oldfield, Beanny
Racing driver

Turpin, Bean
Cross-eyed silent film comedian

Van Beanthoven, Ludwig
Composer, wrote million-sellers based on simple themes

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Copyright 1995, 2009 Jerry Jindrich. All rights reserved.
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